We can’t say for sure if chains and whips excite you (cue Rihanna’s hit song “S&M”), but we do know that kinky sex can definitely be hot. Because even if you’ve already mastered each of theseÂ 36 positions, fantasies and experimentation can keep your sex life feeling fresh and exciting. So if you’ve ever thought about tearing a page out ofÂ Fifty Shades of Grey, we’re here to help.
First thing’s first: You have to have a discussion with your partner before you venture into BDSM territory. “There are two ways kink fantasies can go,” says sex educator Cassie Fuller (also known as “Madam Cassie”) and founder ofÂ Touch of Flavor. “You can find out this is something you’ve been missing in your sex life or that the idea was better left as a fantasy.” While it may not sound like a sexy conversation, you need to discuss your interests and “hard limits” (anything that you’reÂ absolutelyÂ uncomfortable doing) with as much detail as possible. You should definitely keep an open mind to things, but of course, never do anything that you’re not OK with just to please someone else, says Fuller.
Once you’ve laid the groundwork for your dos and don’ts, then you should head to the closest sex shop for props, right? Not quite. When you’re a beginner, you want to start slow with items you can find anywhere in your house. If you’re a newbie, start with these first few tips before upgrading your bedroom play to more advanced maneuvers.
Bind, blind, and tease.Â Grab a few scarves or old T-shirts and tie your partner’s hands (or have them tie yours) to the bed or a chair. You want the knots to be tight enough to restrict your movements but easy to break out of if you need to, says Fuller. Next, cover the eyes so that the person being bound can’t see what’s coming. Then stimulate theirÂ erogenous zonesÂ with an ice cube, feather, candle wax, or vibrator. You could also try oral or manual stimulation.
The point is that the person tied up is totally relinquishing control, which can be a turn on for many people. “A lot of people have this misconception that the person who’s in control in life all the time wants control in the bedroom,” says Fuller, “But often that’s quite the opposite. They want to sit back, relax, and give up [control] to their partner.” Just make sure you pay close attention to see how your partner is responding to your moves.
Get hit on.Â Interested in spanking? While an open-hand touch can work fine, using something a little firmerâ€”say, a wooden spoon, paddle, or spatulaâ€”adds a new and unusual element to sex. Test out different rhythms, says Fuller. Go from slow to fast and soft to hardâ€”you can always switch it up depending on you (or your partner’s) comfort level.
You can also have your partner tap different areas of your bodyâ€”like your breastsâ€”using the object-of-choice while they’re performing oral sex. This creates a sensual mixture of light pain and sexual stimulation at the same time, says Fuller. (Just make sure to wash those tools when you’re done!)
Go all day long.Â Sometimes 15 minutes (or an hour) just isn’t enough to satisfy your fantasy. If you want to prolong the fun, ask your partner if they’d be comfortable with an entire day’s worth of role-play, says Fuller. A longer period of domination will feel a lot more real and intense than short bursts of spanking.
If both of you are up for it, Fuller suggests moving from kink activities to a power-exchange scenario where one person is at complete service to the otherâ€”crawling on the ground and kneeling at their feet are fair game. Bringing the power play out of the bedroom for a little while can up the intensity and build the sexual tension even more. But remember, this is a fantasy the two of you are playing. Make sure you set a time limit so that you know when you need to cut the act and get back to real life.
Spring for better equipment.Â If youâ€™ve given kink a thorough shot and you want to take your game to the next level, the best way to up the ante is to upgrade your gear. Ditch your paddle for a flogger and your scarves for leather shackles or handcuffs (with a spare set of keys!). These kink-designed props provide sensations that youâ€™ve never been exposed to before.
…Or go equipment-free.Â Consider this the ultimate test of self-control:Â Lie completely still on the bedâ€”as long as you’re in aÂ comfortable positionâ€”and let your partner have at you. They should be free to control your body and movementsâ€”you’re basically the human version of an inflatable sex doll.Â As difficult as it might be to silence yourself or resist wiggling around, this technique builds up the sexual tension between you and your partner until you can’t keep cool any longer. “By letting them be your ‘doll’ or vice versa, you’ll learn what the other person wants to do in the bedroom,” says Fuller. Who knows, you might discover a hidden pleasure of theirs you never suspected.Â But if your partner tries to do something you’re not into, it’s obviously alright toÂ break character and let them know.